Pregnancy #3

When we left off last time we had just found out we were pregnant via HCG levels. I had some spotting early on and wanted to just scream, seriously - were we going down this path again?! Due to the early losses of the prior 2 pregnancies and the spotting, we had an early ultrasound that had us very worried. The sac was there but the fetal pole had not attached to the yolk sac, so we waited a few more weeks to have another ultrasound to see if this baby was going to stick around. To be completely honest, while I was absolutely thrilled to be pregnant again, I did not let myself get excited. We went to the next ultrasound and I don’t think either of us breathed until we heard that first thump-thump of a healthy heartbeat. We had made it at least 10 weeks, AND heard a heartbeat. We were so relieved, but I still would not let myself get excited, it was still too early and something could still go wrong. 

I am not proud of it, but I let fear control so much of myself and my emotions during this time. God had proved himself time and again, but I still struggled to put my full trust in him and his plan. I still had so much anger and sadness to process from the earlier losses that I just had a hard time trusting God, silly me. If only I knew then what I know now of how merciful God is, I could have saved myself so much worry and fear. During church in the midst of our miscarriage grief a pastor had said something that has always stuck with me - there is a famous ‘quote’ that God will never give you anything you can’t handle, but that is not even close to true. There will be plenty of things that are going to seem too much to handle, but God will never give you more than what HE can handle. In fact God has explicitly said, in life there will be trials and tribulations, but take heart for he has conquered the world. (John 16:33) There is a lot of controversy out in the world and so many who deny God simply because there is suffering in the world, without understanding that pain and suffering is a direct result of sin. But here’s where many get it wrong, it’s not because any ONE person did something wrong and now is going to get punished for it. Same as how all the good deeds someone does does not guarantee they will not endure any suffering. It’s all in what you do within that trial, how you react, how you respond that makes all the difference in the world. Use the pain and become better, not bitter. 

I truly wish I had not let fear take so much control of my life at that time, because I was robbed of so much joy. Every ache, pain, or different feeling had me so paranoid I was going to lose this baby as well, that I put so much energy into the hard things and very little into the wonderful parts of the pregnancy. We announced to the world once we had reached 20 weeks, but even then I was still full of so much fear, I felt I couldn’t relax and just enjoy the pregnancy because I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. We had maternity pictures taken, we painted and decorated the nursery, my wonderful friends threw an incredible baby shower, we did all the things most would do in preparation to welcome a baby. So why was I still so fearful? Why couldn’t I let myself enjoy the preparations? We had regular appointments, I could see and hear that the baby was doing okay, so why couldn’t I trust that? I don’t know if even to this day I can answer those questions, but I do believe that my own guilt played a huge part. I have always been a people pleaser and to feel like I had let down so many people with something that, for the most part, was out of my control was extremely hard to process. I didn’t want to let others down by not having this baby, but most of all I think I was disappointed in myself and my own body. How could my body have failed me so many times? Something that it was literally created to do and something I SO badly wanted. Others may have said you’re young, wait awhile, there’s still plenty of time. Of course that’s all true, but my whole life my biggest ambition wasn’t a fulfilling career or traveling, but becoming a mom. And here I was, so close, and I was determined to make it happen. But because of the miscarriages before I think I was also a little detached because I was trying to guard my heart in case this one also ended in a loss. I thought that maybe if I wasn’t as attached, it wouldn’t hurt as much. (We all know this is impossible, I already loved those babies so deeply from the minute the test was positive). We all do different things while grieving and this was just my way of coping. To be completely honest, it wasn’t until maybe the last month of the pregnancy that I let myself feel that it was real, this was actually happening, and began to let myself be excited. The long awaited moment will come in the next post.     

XOXO, mischief managing momma