Sometimes Pain Isn't Always Physical - Part 2

*TW mention of pregnancy loss*

Last post ended with us moving into our new house and finding out we were expecting again. Our parents were helping us move so we were able to surprise them by having a onesie in the room we had already designated would be the baby’s room. We had decided to tell them right away as last time it was a hey, we were pregnant but are no longer - and it just stole all the joy. They were so excited and we were just overjoyed and thought this was God’s plan all along, this is all working out so perfectly.

The next weekend I was at a friend’s bachelorette party and had some cramping but was able to confide in another at the party, who also happened to be pregnant at that time, and receive some assurance that that can be normal. Fast forward to our very first appointment, I hadn’t had anymore cramping other than that weekend and never had any bleeding. We were so excited to finally have a first glimpse at our sweet baby. Instead we were met with silence from the ultrasound tech, and in that instance I just knew it wasn’t good. The doctor came in and confirmed what I felt in my gut, the sac was empty. So we were given two choices, have a D&C or let my body pass it naturally. I chose to wait. But that choice meant my body still thought it was pregnant and I still had to endure the symptoms of being pregnant but knowing I wouldn’t be holding a baby at the end of it.

We were beyond devastated, and to be honest, I was angry. I was still dealing with nausea each day, all the while knowing it was eventually coming to an end, but to be honest I would’ve rather kept being nauseous if it meant I got to continue being pregnant. A full 10 days went by before the bleeding started. I had been through this before so I thought I knew what to expect, but boy was I wrong. It started out light, but very quickly went south (link here if you want to read more graphic details). Calls were made in the middle of the night to see if I needed to go in as I was feeling extremely out of it, and felt like I had lost too much blood. We ultimately waited until the morning and went in where they confirmed that I had passed everything and the cramping and bleeding should subside soon. They were wrong. The bleeding started Wednesday night and I took Thursday off and since we thought it was all done I had notified work that I would be in on Friday. However, early Friday morning I was woken up to excruciating pain that would come and go and nothing was helping it to subside, so I had to call into work saying I would need another day. I would later come to learn the pain I was having were contractions and I had passed the rest of the tissues of what was our baby. The contractions continued on for a while until I was so exhausted from the pain I couldn’t even keep my eyes open.

Once the physical part was over, then came the emotional scars to deal with. I had written a couple journals during this time and something I had written was, “I probably won’t ever share this with anyone but if I ever do I hope I won’t feel shame by talking about this”. At that time I had no one to talk to about it, sure I had Nic and family and friends, but no one who had ever experienced it themselves. At least that I knew of because it was, and still sort of is, a taboo subject. It took me a little while of healing before I started to speak out, I was tired of feeling alone and I never wanted anyone else to feel as alone as I did. Of course Nic was there through it all and was as affected emotionally by it as I was, but the physical was all on me and I would’ve loved to have been able to talk it out with someone who had been through it as well. The guilt this time around was much much worse. And I was left with so many questions: should we start doing genetic testing, is it worth it, should we see a specialist or instead of trying to find the answers do we just leave it up to God. I was really struggling. I was still thankful that I was able to get pregnant but why on earth was my body struggling to STAY pregnant? We knew we wanted to keep trying, but we already knew the joy of any positive pregnancy test from here on out was completely gone because we would always worry about it ending in miscarriage.

One of the last appointments I had after the miscarriage the doctor had told me that the body is most fertile after having a miscarriage if we were up to trying again. So we thought why not, let’s try again soon once I’m feeling up to it. But, they wanted me to come in weekly for blood draws to watch the HCG numbers to make sure the miscarriage was complete and there wasn’t anything left. I had never been poked by a needle so many times in my life, and I HATE needles. It was also a big schedule struggle with work, but we made it work. One of the times a nurse had called me about the results of a blood draw and I had mentioned that we had begun trying again and she berated me over the phone that I wasn’t supposed to do that yet until my HCG levels were back down to 0, at that point they were at a 4 which is basically nothing, so to say that I was upset is putting it extremely lightly. Especially since she was in the room when the doctor told us to try if we were feeling up to it. I usually got the results through the portal before hearing from a nurse and on one of my last blood draws I received the results as I was driving to my hometown to pick up my cousin. They were in the 300s, I immediately called Nic and told him. Because of our first couple experiences I ended up telling my parents right away just to solidify that support circle should it end how the others had. So on that mid October day, we found out we were pregnant with our 3rd baby, 3 pregnancies in 1 year. What a roller coaster of a year. Stay tuned for adventures in pregnancy number 3.

XOXO, mischief managing momma