The Brain Scrambled Thoughts of an Exhausted Mom

We’re settling into being a family of 6. It’s loud, busy, fun, hard, messy, exhausting, but wonderful at the same time. So we’re just going to fast forward to real time and get real and raw, and I apologize if this is a cluster but that’s how my brain feels right now and I’m just going to ramble all that’s going on in there - warning: it’s heavy. It’s one of those nights that I’m laying in bed and the day and days prior are just playing like a highlight reel in my brain. All the ways I messed up, things I should’ve done, things I shouldn’t have said, and things I SHOULD have said. I keep telling myself it’s a season. But I’ve been telling myself that for 5+ years now. I just feel like I’m in a funk. I don’t love how most of our days go. I’m frequently overstimulated already from the moment I get up, I snap unnecessarily, I feel the need to rush and I can’t seem to stop it. I need calm and I need peace in our house and I can’t figure out how to actually make it happen. The fighting, tattling, whining, complaining is constant - and the vocal stimming and dog barking on top is enough to make me go absolutely insane. My to do list is never ending because I rarely can actually get anything on it accomplished because someone always needs me. I know I have 4 young kids and that’s just the season we’re in, but stuff still needs done - dishes, laundry, cleaning, cooking, school work, etc. So while I know it’s not forever, that doesn’t take away the fact that it’s still hard and stuff still needs to get done.

Mr. Blue turned 8 recently - and 8 just feels so old. I’ve been a parent for 8 years, where in the world has that time gone?! There have been some wonderful moments, but lately I have a hard time identifying them because it’s been so hard for so long. I want my kids to look back on their childhood with fond memories and right now I’m not even sure they could and that bothers me - and I know I’m the problem. I so badly want to be the fun mom who is always playing and reading with her kids, dancing and singing along to music, creating memories and experiences for them - I homeschool for crying out loud, that’s what ALL our days should be. Instead I’m an overstimulated, frazzled, ‘just a minute, go play, go outside, not right now’ impatient, mess of a person. I’m so far from being my best self right now that I truly am not even sure who I am. And I just feel like I’m missing it all. Miss Red is almost a half a year old already, where has that time gone? Have I been able to truly soak it up and enjoy it? I hope so, but sometimes I feel resentful because we’re in such a season of constant hard that I feel like I’m missing her baby time and that’s time I won’t ever get back. I love my kids with every fiber of my being and that feeling that I’m failing all of them in different ways just guts me. And on one hand I can tell myself - that’s Satan trying to get into your head, God chose you because you’re the best mom for them. But on the other hand, I also know I’m truly not my best right now and they deserve so much better. I need to lean into my faith, give my burdens to God, and model a relationship with Him, or I’m being hypocritical about what I teach them when they aren’t their best selves. 

Having an autistic son has turned me completely inside out. Most days I don’t even know what the heck I’m doing, but I pray I’m doing it sorta okay. I’ve probably said it before but him being the oldest has made things feel ten times harder, but even ruminating on that fact is pointless - because we can’t change it. We’re learning as we go and growing together, but trying to navigate some of the daily challenges is so hard when we have 3 other sets of eyes and ears watching us, and they need to be parented so differently. I think all kids require a different way of being parented to a degree, but you usually just alter to different personality traits and motivations. The way we need to parent Mr. Blue is so vastly different from the way we need to parent the others. We just feel like we’re in a battle that can never be won. The things he does because of his brain wiring, the others see and then also do, but how do you tell them they don’t ‘need’ to do that without it coming across as he’s wrong or there’s something wrong with him? The worrying, the anxiousness, the vocal stimming, meltdowns, the need for control, so much emotional instability, mood going from 0-100 in less than a blink of a eye, if someone reacts to something strongly - so does he, and so much more. We have talked to Mr Orange in particular that a lot of the things he sees that Mr. Blue does, he can’t always help it or control it - but it’s something we’re working on for him to have that ability. You already have the ability because your brain works differently than his, his just will take a little extra work and time to get there. We’ve never really said it in this sense to either of them, but Mr. Orange is already ‘older’ than Mr. Blue in terms of social maturity - and oh boy is it showing itself. And to be honest, it sucks. Seeing your now 8 year old boy act younger than his almost 6 year old brother in a social situation, where others are making fun of him - but he doesn’t see it, yet his younger brother does. What do I do with that?! How is anyone supposed to navigate that gracefully? The momma bear in me wants to come out and shake some common decency into others while the, albeit very small, rational part of me knows that I cannot always insert myself or learning and growth won’t ever happen. And it’s just - hard. Writing this all out is cathartic for me, but I struggle with ‘sitting in the feeling’ because I feel like then I just get stuck. I get stuck in an almost depressed mood, and I feel like I bring everyone down with me. So for me to process this, I like to fast forward through it and just ultimately internalize it - no wonder Mr. Orange is that way (ugh).

There are so many layers of grief that still surprise me when they hit. Like I realize he’s only 8, but with the level of support he needs right now with emotional regulation I really worry about his future. Will he be able to hold a job, lasting relationships, a family? Watching him be the loner in certain social situations makes my heart ache - he seems totally fine to be doing his own thing and that makes me happy but a big part of me just feels sad. And I think it’s just that aspect of grieving for the life I had pictured for him, and realizing that’s not the reality. But then on the other hand, also grieving for the things that are actually hard for him and not being able to take that away. We recently had a big get together with friends we hadn’t seen in awhile and we had surprised the boys with it. It was supposed to be at a park but mother nature had other plans so we were all at a house - and it was chaos. Mr. Blue was so excited to see his old friends but the loudness was too much for him that he kinda lost it a bit, and ultimately barely played with any of them because he needed to find a quiet space. I hate that for him. Even just him apologizing to me after a rough day saying, “I’m sorry how I was today - I wish I wasn’t that way.” While I appreciate that he can recognize that it’s hard for me, I hate that it’s hard for him and that he felt the need to apologize because I don’t think he wants to be or feel that way. And then sometimes it’s the grief of just the day to day for us as his parents. We had some pretty crazy storms recently and we hadn’t been home all day and when we got home I noticed that two of our fruit trees had been taken out by the storm. Admittedly, my reaction might have been a little extreme - but it took me by surprise and I truly was upset by it. (And when I say extreme, I mean like I audibly gasped and my voice was higher pitched than normal when I said ‘My trees!!‘) And due to my reaction, Mr Blue started bawling. So I had to immediately shelve my own emotions, to tend to his and talk him through it to calm him down. And sometimes I just want to be able to react or have emotions of my own without any forethought of - will this cause him to melt down, or spiral. It’s all just so draining. He truly is such a sweet kid, with a gigantic heart, I just want him to be able to be that kid all the time without all the other ‘stuff’ in the way. 

If any of this resonates with you, my heart is with you. And for those that are walking through anything hard - my heart is also with you. I would love to hear from anyone who also has experience with parenting a neurodivergent child or is the sibling of one. Sometimes community is the only other way we can get through the hard times. An ear to listen to our cries or to vent about the 15th meltdown that week, or help with how to navigate certain conversations or relationships. If you are the person - please reach out to me through my instagram page - @_mischiefmanagingmomma. I would love to connect with you. I recently finished a devotional for parents of autistic kids and this quote really convicted me - Love remains in the pain. My child doesn’t need me to fix him, just love him. So often we overcrowd our thoughts and actions with what supplement or diet should we be on that will ‘help’, what exercises should we be doing, am I doing xyz enough - when all they need is our love. From Ephesians 3:17-19 “and that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. I pray that you, being rooted and firmly established in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the length and width, height and depth of God’s love, and to know Christ’s love that surpasses knowledge, so that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.” If I can leave you with anything - let it be that. We have a God who loves us so deeply and calls us to emulate him and love others. Love can heal, love others as He loves us.

xoxo, mischief managing momma

Oldest Boy (1)- Mr. Blue

Middle Boy (2) - Mr. Orange

Youngest Boy (3) - Mr. Green

Baby Girl (4) - Miss Red